Words Matter:
The Toxic & Haughty Habit of Gossip
Even under the best of motives, gossip almost always does damage to the relationship that we can never completely undo. Talking badly about people behind their backs is disrespectful and unloving. Here are some tips to do it less.
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'Great minds discuss ideas;
average minds discuss events;
small minds discuss people'.
How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbor says or does or thinks, but only at what he does himself.
―Marcus Aurelius.
An old proverb tells the story of a person who repeated a rumor about a neighbor. Soon, the whole community had heard the rumor. Later, the person who spread the gossip learned that the rumor was untrue. He was very sorry and went to an elder in the community who had a reputation for great wisdom to seek advice. The elder told him, “Go to your home and take a feather pillow outside. Rip it open and scatter the feathers, then return to me tomorrow.” The man did as the elder had instructed.The following day, he visited the elder. The elder said, “Go collect the feathers you scattered yesterday and bring them back to me.” The man went home and searched for the feathers, but the wind had carried them all away. Returning to the elder, he admitted, “I could find none of the feathers I scattered yesterday.” “You see,” said the elder, “it‘s easy to scatter the feathers but impossible to get them back.” So it is with gossip; it doesn’t take much to spread hurtful words, but once you do, you can never completely undo the damage.
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Quickly defined, gossip is talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature. And there are far better things to talk about than the sensational, intimate details of another. Gossip almost always complicates our lives rather than simplifies. Unfortunately, gossip feels good and the short-term rewards often distract us from the fact that we know better. It makes us feel better about ourselves to know something about someone else and share that with another. Other times, speaking about the personal faults of others makes it easier to overlook our own. People often try to justify gossip by falsely calling it 'confiding', or by adding a prayer request at the end of the gossip session. Even under the best of motives, gossip almost always does damage to the relationship that we can never completely undo. Gossip damages the reputation of others. Consider some of these life-complicating dangers of gossip:
-Damaged Relationships.-
When we learn that a friend has passed on a rumor about us – true, but confidential information – it always does damage to the relationship. The same is true when you are the one passing on the gossip.
-Trust is destroyed.-
It is virtually impossible to restore complete trust in a person who has shared your secrets, false information or insults about you with others. And it is very difficult to trust someone who has just shared with you someone else‘s secrets.
-Adds unnecessary complexity.-
If you’ve ever told a secret that you don’t want somebody else to pass along, you know exactly what unnecessary complexity is. Gossip adds the nagging worry that word will make it back to the person or spread beyond our control.
-Devalues the relationship in front of you.-
Intimate, personal details about a person who is not there always removes you from your present reality and transports you somewhere else. Not only does it distract you from the relational opportunity in front of you, it puts you squarely in the middle of a personal scenario where you do not belong. One important ingredient to simplify our lives is to avoid gossip at all costs. If gossip is a source of complexity in your life, try giving one of these steps a shot:
1. Appreciate the difference between “helpful” and “gossip.”
There are times in life when it is genuinely helpful for you to know the personal background or personal details of a friend‘s life. But if someone begins sharing intimate details of another‘s life and you are in no position to help (or have no intention to help), it is not helpful speech. It is gossip. And will only lead to disaster.
2. Stop it before it starts.
If your conversation begins to turn toward gossip, take the high road and end it. A simple sentence that goes like this, “I‘m not sure I‘m in a good position to be having this conversation,” quickly shifts the focus to yourself while communicating your point to your partner.
3. Engage in meaningful conversations about the people you are talking with.
There is a 100% chance that you have not fully explored the deepest places of the heart and life sitting right in front of you. Rather than engaging in conversation about someone else, choose to ask deeper questions about the hopes, dreams, and fears of the people who are present.
4. Avoid the two greatest causes of gossip: pride and self-exaltation.
Gossip makes us feel better about ourselves because we get to revel in the fact that other people have problems too. This is especially gratifying when their problems are seen as more severe than our own. It is selfish pride and a need for self-exaltation that results in that mindset.
5. Stay positive with your speech.
Use positive words as much as possible – even when talking about another. Speaking positively about a person who is not present rarely leads to gossip and almost always leads to a closer ally. This positive speech will also encourage the people around you to do the same.
6. Celebrity gossip is still gossip.
Remember, just because they appear on magazine covers does not make their personal secrets fair game as a conversation topic. Gossip can appear on the pages of a magazine just as easily as it can during a conversation in your living room.
Is it just me or does it seem that with all the things that we could choose to talk about on any given day… the intimate details of another person’s life should be lower on the list than it usually is?
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Continued thoughts on gossip...
Talking about others behind their back is a bad habit to have. Often it encourages gossip, rumors, and criticism that we normally wouldn’t say to a person’s face. What do we have to gain from this? Not much but some cheap entertainment. Maybe we’ll get some laughs and praise from our peers, but talking about others behind their back is a net loss for our relationships as a whole. To start, it makes us two-faced and hypocritical. We’re nice and respectful to someone when we are with them, but then behind their backs we paint a different picture. How can we maintain a healthy relationship with someone if we criticize them when they aren’t around? I don’t think we can. Also, gossiping makes us look bad. A 2011 study published in the European Journal of Social Psychology found that people are seen as less likeable and less trustworthy when they gossip about others. So not only does gossiping hurt our relationships with those who we gossip about – it also hurts the relationships with those who we gossip to. If you want to criticize someone, it’s way more constructive to do it directly to them, as well as in a respectful manner. At least that gives the person a chance to take your words and turn them into something positive. Because if your criticism never reaches the person you’re criticizing, then what good can really come of it? Most importantly, if you’re going to talk behind someone’s back at all, you should find something good to say about the other person. This is because what you say about others affects people’s expectations. If you tell someone that Timmy is an “insensitive idiot,” then that person is going to approach Timmy with the expectation that he’s going to be mean, rude and stupid. The problem with this is that the expectations we build can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. We go into a conversation expecting someone to be a certain way, and that can cause us to speak and act in ways that reinforce those expectations. Because of what we were told, we now think Timmy is a bad dude, so we keep ourselves guarded and distant when we’re around him. He interprets that as meaning you don’t like him, so he reciprocates by also being apathetic and distant toward you. Then — you interpret that response as proof that he is a mean and rude person. This is just one simple example of how our expectations can have a feedback effect on how people treat us. So if we’re going to talk about others at all, we should try our best to build positive expectations rather than negative ones. Focus on the good in people, and by doing that you can help bring out those characteristics more. I challenge you over the course of the next few days to pay extra close attention to when you talk about others behind their back. If you’re about to say something negative – gossip, rumor, or criticism – then try your best to avoid saying anything about the person at all. Or, if you really want to talk about the person, make sure it is something kind, respectful, and positive.
A general rule to follow is that if you’re not willing to say something in front of someone, you probably shouldn’t say it at all.
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"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"
- Matthew 7:3-4
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
- Ephesians 4:29
"Speak evil of no one, avoid quarreling, be gentle, show perfect courtesy toward all people."
-Titus 3:2
"Do to others as you would have them do to you."
- Luke 6:31
"A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends."
- Proverbs 16:28
"Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it."
- James 4:11
"Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends."
- Proverbs 17:9
"The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit."
- Proverbs 18:21
"Avoid godless chatter, because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly."
- 2 Timothy 2:16
"Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from trouble".
- Proverbs 21:23
"Argue your case with your neighbor himself, and do not reveal another's secret, lest he who hears you bring shame upon you, and your ill repute have no end."
- Proverbs 25:9-10
"Whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent."
- Proverbs 11:12
"If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother."
- Matthew 18:15
"Whoever meddles in a quarrel not his own is like one who takes a passing dog by the ears."
- Proverbs 26:17
"Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets; therefore do not associate with a simple babbler.”
- Proverbs 20:19
"Besides that, they learn to be idlers, spending their time gossiping from house to house, meddling in other people’s business and talking about things they shouldn’t."
- 1 Timothy 5:13
"In the same way, the women are to be dignified, worthy of respect, not malicious talkers or slanderers but temperate and trustworthy in everything."
- 1 Timothy 3:11
"Keep a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander."
- 1 Peter 3:16
"A wholesome tongue is a tree of life, but corruption in it breaks the spirit."
- Proverbs 15:4
